I write to you after what seemed like a heavy night of sleep. Thoughts have a way to bounce in our minds and carry away what little rest we receive. As if the weight of hidden thoughts suddenly become buoyant and visible even though our eyes are closed.
One of them is the memory of the haunted face you wore, exhausted, traced, yet not quiet taken the gravity of what has transpired. As if one has not yet been slammed by the reality of what happened to you, your brigade and the fatigue you hide behind a soft friendly face. A strong gentleness that I miss greatly about you. Always holding on to the thread that Inil still gives us. It's that thread that marks us differently from the rest. Some state they follow Inil or at least a foundation of morale, but when things become difficult they shrug away or do not try to act upon it.
As Dah once said,..'You will only know a person after facing a hard moment with them. Only then, you shall see who is true to their word or not.'
There are some who are good and trusting, but tis a rarity.
I watch the many here, who have lost their faith, yet you can feel the hidden desire to be loved by the Elders. They really need it. They standing out in the sun, the glow is visible but they could not feel the heat on their skin....it would take more than a single conversation to explain how to feel Her glow?
Now with these strange 'Paladins of Inil' who appeared? Who demanded to follow only Inil or else? Has set back alot of civilians appalled, it has to be corrected. I do not know who they are? Nor do I believe these are the original followers of your Brigade, I never seen such arrogance. These Paladins definitely do not follow your ways either my brother. Their behaviors and threats are unacceptable and unworthy of the title 'Paladin'. They are not among trusting Inilians; the ways of Light, Courage and Compassion, who would never demand such fidelity! It counters the ways of the heart.
I feel somewhat powerless though, there are so very few of us Eli who were taught the old ways and I am outnumbered almost all the time. I need people who understand Inil's needs, Her light, Her shaping of both kindness and strength. To be humble and strong for others, to not only act on behalf of the light, but to also extend it to others as a shelter. The light is more than just fighting the darkness with a blade, but to bring life in spirit and remind each other the joy that is worth living for. For it costs nothing for us to light someone else’s candle.
So few of us know this art anymore…..
It truly saddens me, It would take everything I have to correct this,...
It is exhausting and assistance in such matters is difficult. I hide a deep yearning to have more of us....
Feeling this helplessness, I can only imagine the extreme pain you feel feeling the absence of your Holy Realm brigade and not knowing what became of them? Knowing your comrades are out there, ones who you cherish like your own brothers and sisters. I know there were very close to you as your bestfriends who share your devotion and your mission to Inil. Who I know you would take torture just to keep them alive. You’d tear off the lashes on your eyes if it meant saving a ounce of their skin, and they too would do the same for you. For you are alive for all these years thanks to them....
Seeing you gaze off desiring to reunite with them, seeing that they were safe, and asking about them the moment you were revived? That meant to me that there’s a part of you that will not rest until they are safe or found. So I understood you and that agony and let you off, so you may.
For I know that pain.
To loose an extension of ourselves. Friends who were nearly family. To loose them would tear in to a hallow place…..I still carry some from ones I have already lost. Holes in me that can never be filled.
It's these thoughts that kept me up under Shothar's languid trail of serenity. I am sure this is happening to you as well as I write this....
But what I worry is what would happen should you not find them Elijah? Should you learn....that they did not survive?
To know they are gone, and only the remnants of their memories? I wish you'd prepare yourself for that.
That is but a large incoming heavy wall of pain like no other. The lost will be so great. Knowing only a memory of them remains?
I weep at the possible pain that will give you. To loose comrades who you trust with your heart and soul, an extended family, gone in an instant. You’d feel instantly alone, and all your efforts in vain. I know that pain so well....
And you hide it well, alot better than I ever can. You always tuck it away for the sake of not letting it effect others. A veil of a soft expression and friendly gaze in reassurance, but I know behind your eyes you are holding back the possible containment of that horror, that reality, should it happen. Not just because you fear facing that possible future, not because you fear that pain. But because of something much more powerful. You are still holding on to the most ephemeral yet strongest power of Inil,….hope.
You still have hope of finding them again.
You push that fear away and all exhaustion because of hope. Because you are a hardworker, Because you are a believer and because you can be hard on yourself.
I know this, not only because I am your sister, but because…..I am just like you too.
Even though I am not strong like you, nor do I carry a heavy blade or serve the front lines for forty years as you did, nor can I ever take on half of the Legion like you did,.. But I am a Priestess of Inil, and I serve and love my eldest too.
I grew up with you, learn the ways with you, know how to hold on as you did, and embrace the unyielding light in pain and agony, even if we are the last ones standing.
For that is our mission.
We clench to hope until the very end, and as much as I wish to warn you of the possible future, I can’t help but admire your tenacity and stand beside you even from afar with your undying hope.
By Inil's grace, I will fight with you against the Dark Spawn like the piercing sun and to banish the fiend with everyone in town. I swear it. No matter how 'big' it might be, we will be prepared.
And if your Paladin brothers are anything like you, there will be survivors who succeeded thanks to your efforts. And I don't mean the strange ones who marched around New Haven demanding fidelity and harassing others, but the ones who are like you. Your true friends.
We will find them.
But please know, that despite what happens, that no matter what results become of all this, I am here with you and near by.
Should you ever fall in a hole of despair, or fallen into battle fatigue? Or medical need? Or just an escape for even just a moment? Please visit me, even if only for a brisk of tea...
I know tis not the same as visiting home? Definitely not the same as having a long recess in Bolvaryia in the valleys and mountains, nor could I give you the comforts Moma or Dah could ever give? But I am your sister ...
I care about you so much and was so happy to know you were alive.
If Inil granted the chance for us to be a family again and live, then I will not dishonor that and will do everything to appreciate it and preserve it. Should you need me and a strong healer, anywhere,…send anyone. A Red Cap or a messenger and I’ll be there.. by your side.
In a few weeks, I will be attending a mission with the Order of the Fallen Sword, to assist an outskirt town that has fallen under poverty and grips of the exiled races on Juli of 15th. But I will return to New Haven shortly….
But as I pack for this excursion know I shall be wearing the colors of the Holy Realm, so you'd know you are not alone brother, I am fighting along with you.
Come what may of the darkness, we will not yield!
As it is written, 'For as long as the sun rises, there is a new opportunity in the horizon.'